I’m excited that you’ve decided to walk with me through your journey of self-discovery, your self-loving path and your transformation. I will be holding your hand along the way to remind you that you matter because you exist, and you are worth committing to this process to get yourself to the brighter, happier side.
As we begin this journey together, you will learn new coping skills. You will also change as you focus on your own recovery and goals of living a joyful, more fulfilling life. Focus, commitment and action are keys to this healing path.
I hope this healing journey takes you to a state of being you, being real and being free. I know you can do this.
Now, let’s get started!
It’s important to understand that the crazy roller coaster you’ve been riding your whole life started with your first relationships within your childhood environment – the relationship with your parents and siblings, as well as those you formed in school and society. Sometimes, it’s hard to talk about this because you don’t want to blame others. However, in my own experience, I was unable to heal until I realized what happened and understood that it was not my fault. Then, I took responsibility for my recovery and my life. I wasn’t born codependent; I was made codependent.
I grew up with domestic violence in the home. For as long as I can remember – maybe around four or five years old – I remember being the pacifier; I was the mediator. My mother used prescription medications, and both of my parents were alcoholics. Even though my family was affectionate, they were also dysfunctional and emotionally absent.
The most crucial and relevant childhood memory I have was when I was around six or eight years old. I remember being in front of the mirror, holding a doll, crying and asking God to take me with Him if my parents would never stop fighting and hurting themselves. In that moment, I felt incredibly lonely, scared, confused and anxious; I needed to figure out how to raise myself and protect my mother or we would both die. That is how it felt – do or die.
It looked like I was alone in this world, like I was destined to become an alcoholic, a drug addict, and a victim of abuse and domestic violence. Those behaviors were taught and modeled to me. It was normal to be in chaotic relationships, so I mimicked and attracted dysfunctional, abusive men. I felt ashamed because I truly felt like I was the problem. Not only did I feel like I was unlovable because I was not being seen and affirmed by my parents, but I was also being rejected and abandoned by others. Because my parents could not see me, I felt emotionally abandoned; as a result, I lived my whole life abandoning myself.
If there is one clear emotion I recall from my childhood, it would have to be shame. Shame controlled the majority of my life. My painful pattern of codependency and attracting and relating to narcissists was borne from these childhood experiences because I was raised in shame.
Since then, my life’s mission has been to overcome shame and help others overcome their shame, as well. Through my recovery from codependency, I had to let go of many things, including fear, shame, toxic people and relationships. But, after working through and healing my childhood wounds, I have become a different woman – a woman hardly anyone recognizes anymore.
I realized that I was self-reliant, and I finally got my life under control. In the process, I discovered how amazing it can be not to feel the need to depend on anyone else to feel seen, validated and loved. I learned to see myself. I learned I didn’t need to seek anyone’s approval.
"And, I learned to love myself. Truly, the most incredible thing I learned was to fall in love with that little girl who raised herself!"
Now, I feel a satisfied sense of self, like I’m whole and don’t need to depend on anyone or anything outside of myself for happiness. I am finally living a life of purpose, and I know that all of the dark events of my past have contributed to who I am today. I needed to experience all that I have been through in order to share with others how amazing it is to heal and live an awakened life.
I no longer feel shame, and I don’t feel the need to seek approval or validation from others. Instead, I am willing to take a stand. I am accountable as opposed to the victim, and I am confident.
My relationships – or the few relationships I have chosen to keep – are filled with love and respect. I have learned that to live with simplicity is to live with freedom, and that if you have faith while taking action, your success is guaranteed.
I know I am resilient. I hit rock bottom and I stood up. I bent over backward like a palm tree under a hurricane-force wind and I did not break.